Daddies lock up your daughters…this kid is on the move.
Daddies lock up your daughters…this kid is on the move.
Apologies for the lack of posts around here…we’ll get better. And now, for an overdue installment on our MLB Parks Tour…
It had to happen, you know. Me, a Red Sox/Rangers fan, visiting the Evil Empire to see the Yankees in Yankee Stadium. Truthfully though, despite my incredible disdain for the Bronx Bombers, I was still really excited about visiting the park made famous by the Babe, Dimaggio, Gehrig and Mantle. This was amplified also by the fact that we were visiting Yankee Stadium in it’s final season, before being torn down to erect their new evil lair.
Like many of our baseball trips, the weather was unforgiving and we experienced the first of many rain delays. But what made the rain tolerable was how it affected the Yanks…a drizzly evening turned into an embarrassing night.
The Grey Matters was the landing spot for the creative and contemplative works that bounce around the confines of my head, as well as the inspirations that put them there. With the re-release of Viva, we decided to merge the blogs. Click here for more behind the meaning behind TGM.
I begin this post by admitting, without agenda, that I am a broken man. I’ve been this way for a while, years or decades even. It’s affected every single part of my life: my marriage, my faith, my friendships, my son. People say it’s healing to admit you’re weak. I’ve never thought of it that way. Bringing up weakness in front of others hasn’t had much healing power in my experience. People tend to want to fix your weakness, or ignore it, both of which make me feel unheard and most of all unhealed. Others, those with the best of intentions, point me toward faith and hope, another weakness of mine. Unfortunately, despite their pure intentions, it often serves to further exacerbate my frustrations, because I’m just circling around to a new, equally suffocating weakness.
A few years ago, Yvette and I decided to throw a Halloween party. It was unassuming; we really just wanted an opportunity to dress up in costumes and hang out with friends. For those of you that were there, Halloween 2009, you realize that unassuming quickly turned into an all out block party, complete with Michael Jackson’s Thriller on repeat, Mike Cocanower spinning fire, cross-dressing church folks, and approximately 25 bags of candy going out to hundreds of trick-or-treaters. Yvette and I had a blast that year, and decided we’d make it an annual event, naming it after that first year, Mingle with the Mortals.
When Yvette and I began discussing the possibility that we might like to visit all of the Major League Baseball parks, the conversation quickly turned to New York, New York. It’s not as though we had any real connection to the Mets or the Yankees, far from it truth be told. Rather, we knew that both the Mets and Yankees were entering into their final seasons at their historic ballparks, and this would be our final opportunity to see games there. It was too much to pass up.
(A quick note: I realize this is a very long post, but it was important for me to tell this story and work through it. It’s been a very therapeutic, healing process to open up about the joys and the challenges of our birth story. With that in mind, while it may be long, this was more for me. Even so, if you decide to venture through it, I hope you enjoy our story.)
For me, Baron’s birth was a lesson in letting go. Not one thing went according to plan. Harlan and I were married for 3 years when we decided to start trying to conceive. Like everyone else, we assumed that it would only take a couple of months. But after 2 years, and no pregnancy, we had basically given up. We started looking into adoption. We didn’t want to spend a lot of money on fertility treatments when that money could go toward adopting a baby who needs a home. In the mean time, we were still talking to our OB, Dr. Tatum, about why I was unable to conceive. At this point there was no explanation – I just wasn’t ovulating. I won’t lie, I was heartbroken every time I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. It was really hard for me because I had 8 friends who were pregnant around me. It seemed as though every time we heard from one of our friends, it was an announcement that they were having a baby. I really wanted to be happy for them, but it just seemed so unfair. In September 2010, Dr. Tatum gave us a prescription for Clomid – a medicine that’s basically supposed to kick-start ovulation. We weren’t sure if we even wanted to take the medicine. At this point, we were pretty set on the adoption. We had finally let go and realized that the whole situation was completely out of our hands. We were thinking, there must be a reason we’re not getting pregnant. There must be a baby out there who God wants in our lives. So we just held on to the prescription and never filled it.
October came around and something seemed different. I had gotten my hopes up too many times, so I really didn’t want to convince myself that I might be pregnant, just to have my heart broken again. But as the month went on and I couldn’t shake the feeling, I decided to take this extra pregnancy test that I had left over from before. I knew (from lots of test-taking) that you’re supposed to take the test first thing in the morning. So I was going to save it for the next morning. At 3 am on October 20, I was awake and couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I finally snuck to the bathroom, hoping not to wake Harlan. I sat there staring at it for the whole testing time, watching a 2nd little pink line slowly appear where I’d never seen one before. I couldn’t believe my eyes. After all this time, my first ever positive pregnancy test. I kept thinking, I must be reading this wrong… But it’s pretty basic. Not a lot of room for error. Eventually I went back to bed and hid the test so Harlan wouldn’t see it. Of course I couldn’t sleep after that. I kept getting up and using my phone as a flashlight to check and make sure the pink line was still there. I decided that come a reasonable hour in the morning, I’d go buy another test and make sure this one wasn’t faulty. I didn’t want to tell Harlan till I was sure. Well, I bought a two-pack which resulted in two more positive tests.
We’re seriously going to get better at this whole blogging thing soon. In the meantime…here’s an interview with Baron. He sat down with Yvette to have a conversation about his reluctance to do interviews, how his day was going, and his taste in music. (Which is apparently not so good at the moment…I’ll work on it.) Stay tuned in for the surprise ending!